Saradactyl.com

Doin' the hash...

The thing is? I don't even know where to start hashing out all this relationship crap. Things were going pretty swimmingly about 2 weeks ago. You know, when I posted the picture of all of us hanging out that Saturday night? He even brought me flowers. Aw. How sweet. Blah blah blah.

The thing is? The CRUX of the matter, if you will? I want to be pursued.

I don't want to be the aggressor. I don't want to be the one always making the decisions, taking the initiative, making contact, planning things for us to do. I don't want to wait around all week for him to call me. I don't want to feel like the only reason he's calling me is birthed from - obligation. I don't want to be the one who has to keep conversations rolling, or be the only one who knows how to avoid those awkward pauses by asking the right questions. I KNOW he's backwards, and country, and simple, and that's what was endearing and cute about him ... at first. Now? I've stepped back. I'm looking at what we have. And I realize - this just ain't gonna work.

I want a man. I need someone who will take initiative... who will lead... whom I do not need to raise... who will PURSUE me.

Is that asking too much?

All that being said? I do not feel as though this courtship was a colossal failure. On the contrary, it was VERY successful! We got to know each other (well, I got to know him anyway - he never seemed too interested in finding out things about me.) without developing emotional attachments, and it all happened within the context of family and friends. Not every courtship has marriage as an end result - sometimes two people just aren't a match. Which is WHY it's so important (I believe) to avoid those emotional and physical entanglements that are so easily beset by the run-o-da-mill dating scene.

Beyond that - the entire experience has caused me to draw closer to God... to be more disciplined in my studies, in being organized, in keeping order in my room and living areas. I feel like I've grown a lot this past month. Even though I'm depressed and am still sort of grieving that this isn't going to work out - I'm a better person now than I was a month ago. And most importantly? I've grown closer to the Lord. That in itself is ... golden.

So. That's that.

Ugh, what is WRONG with me???

I am SOOOOO moody. One minute I'm laughing, in a good mood - on top of the world!! Next thing I know I'm foaming at the mouth, and completely crazed.

My mom bought me some knee-high socks that have frowny faces with the word "CRANKY" stamped all over them. Cute. My sister told me I need to wear them around my neck like a tie, so they will best be able to tell when to stay away from me. Very cute.

Hardeeeeefrigginharrrrr.

I can't focus at work.
I can't sleep.
I can't get my hair to do right.

All of which are the makings of the "Perfect Emotional Storm". Ugh. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm under major spiritual attack, and if I don't "START" soon I might inflict physical injury to myself, or unsuspecting shrubbery. As my Mom says, "It's like I'm wearing my nerves on the outside of my skin!"

UUUGGGGHHHAAARRRRRGHHHHHGGGGHHHIKKAI:IUHFKLSDUF:OWRUQOWJIR. That's my version of an I'm-at-work-so-I-can't-make-a-lot-of-noise-but-I-really-want-to-belt-out-a-primal-scream-that will-scare-the-wild-animals-all-the-heck-way-over-in-the-obscure-jungles-of-Africa-or-wherever-it-is-that-we're-keeping-our-"jungles"-these-days. Someone pass the sedatives? You know, the big kind they give to rowdy gorilla types. *beats chest* hehehe. :-D

I think I'll be okay. If I could ever get this WORK DONE!!!!!!!!!

SERENITY NOW! :-D