This morning I woke up exhausted as usual, but managed to leave the house 15 minutes early - allowing me to stop off at the Evil Mermaid for my standard triple grande breve 3 splenda latte before heading in to work. I was bright. Chipper. Friendly. My co-worker over the wall said to me at one point: "Sara. You are so nice." And she wasn't being sarcastic or anything! Promise. Well, I think. Hmmmm.
ANYWAY.
I also happen to work for the same company as 1/2 of my parental unit (the male one), and typically it's just a standard icy greeting day in and day out. But today, he came by my desk several times to talk about car insurance, and flex schedules, and life in general. And THEN around lunch time, he gave me a freshly dispensed bottle of Sprite. My first thought was: "Wow, how did he know I enjoy a lemon-lime carbonated beverage?? Cool. He really IS making an effort." And then I saw him sheepishly hiding the can of Coca Cola behind his back.
He had just gotten the Sprite by accident, and I was the recipient of his cast-off.
I was later informed that earlier this morning he had served my Mom divorce papers via FedEx which my younger sister had to sign for. As I stumbled out of the building at 5 o'clock with a slight inkling as to what it would feel like to be kicked in the balls if I had them - I came to the searing understanding that the entire morning had been an Elaborate Ruse. A lie. A ploy for him to feel out the situation and see how much I knew. Whether I was as pissed and hurt as the sister who had called to blast him out earlier that morning. Did he tell me what was going on? What was said? What had happened? No. It was just me. Ignorant, foolish, dopey me. Blithely walking around with a heart ever slightly more full because of a father's seeming attempt at some semblance of a relationship with me.
Sitting there on the front seat of my car in the 82 degree NC early-spring heat - I looked down at the flat and now-warm bottle of Sprite, and realized I have always been the recipient of my father's cast-offs.
If he wasn't too tired.... maybe we could play catch later?
If his friends weren't free for a round of golf.... then maybe *I* could go hit a ball with you next week?
I know you're really busy... but I'd love to go fishing sometime?
Next week never came, it was never late enough, and sometime amounted to one-time. And eventually I stopped making an effort, because fool me once - shame on you. Fool me 30,409 times... well.
You know - the events that have unfolded over the past year have been grueling, and to an outsider may seem like the LAST thing someone like me would need to deal with. You know. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE. But can I just tell you..... I absolutely praise Jesus for this season.
I have been walking around for most of my life believing lies about God. It's so sickeningly cliche, but a woman's relationship with God is heavily operated through the filter of her relationship with her earthly father. And my own father has done an exceedingly GOOD job of placating me with gifts and empty promises. Which to an untrained eye looks healthy. Happy. Right. Good. [sidebar mini-rant: if someone is willing to make a HUGE effort to weave such an elaborate web of lies - why not be willing to give something real?]
The point is - throughout the past several months, I have been given a STARK contrast of who my earthly father IS NOT, and Who my Heavenly Father really IS.
God is clear and decisive - there is no lie or darkness in Him! He does not see it as a chore or a burden to spend time with me - He wants..... DESIRES close relationship. He knows me. He knows the BIG stuff, and He knows the small things. And He CARES. HE CARES! He knows that I enjoy a lemon-lime carbonated beverage, and He understands why the searing beauty of every sunset breaks my heart e.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e.. He knows how hard it was for me to lose my friend this year. He knows why I've been carrying around this dead person on my back for the past 9 years. (He doesn't approve - but He knows.) He knows when to kick my butt, and when to just let me cry into His chest.
Without this season, I would NEVER have understood that with God - next week is everyday, sometime is all the time, and later is always NOW!!
He is so. so. SO GOOD.
And Sprite? Is surprisingly refreshing.
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to
the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory,
majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever.
Amen." (Jude 1:24)
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